She is not coping well with it. She has good days and bad days, but mostly the days are bad. A month ago she needed to go into town for the day, but before going out that morning, she left what looked to me like a suicided note. She wrote that she couldn’t keep on going and that life was no longer worth living. I jumped into action, called a helpline, cancelled all my appointments for the day and stayed with her all day. I rang around and I managed to persuade her to see a counsellor. She visited the counsellor a few days later but it was not a productive meeting. She thought the whole thing was rubbish, so that was that.

She is currently out of the country for a few days and I have just received another note from her, this time by email. Entitled “A cry for help”, it lists out how all her plans have turned to dust and how she has turned out to be a total failure in life. She believes that the only woman in my life is my ex, despite the fact that I am now separated from my wife over 4 years, and really, life has moved on. She believes that I will throw her out soon, leaving her on the trash heap. She believes that everyone would have been better off had she never lived.

I found another counsellor for her to talk to, but she is refusing to call her. She has been prescribed anti-depression pills but she refuses to take them. I have given her phone numbers to call, but she thinks it’s all just blah, blah, blah. There is no prospect of a job on the horizon. She is not getting better and the depressive episodes are getting more frequent and more severe each time.

I am deeply worried about her. The way she is going, she is going to do something very stupid soon.

If you are reading this and you have any ideas for bringing her around, let me know.

I’m trying to negotiate an agreement with my wife (soon ex-wife) over maintenance and access. I’m trying to rent out a larger house so I can be more a part of my kids’ lives. I’m trying to hold on to my job, even though I know in my heart that it is unlikely I will be there longer than a year. I’m trying to make ends meet. I’m trying to keep everyone happy.

I’m failing.

I just wish I could get a bit of understanding. Things are very hard for me, but instead of getting support, I am being attacked by everyone. No matter what I do, I am being criticised for it. And in the distance I feel the axe being sharpened.

I should have kept my big mouth shut. I mentioned the new house to my wife, now she is on my case about how expensive it is. I mentioned this to my girlfriend, and she is criticising me because she thinks I have to run everything past my wife first before I make a decision.

I am so worried. I’m so bloody worried about the future it’s not funny. I haven’t slept a full night’s sleep in god knows how long, and it’s unlikely I will do so for the foreseeable future. I don’t see life getting better anytime soon, if ever. I see it getting a lot worse.

All I can do is soldier on. Meanwhile the net tightens.

I haven’t exactly been a paragon of comfort and consolation. I have found myself being short with her and wishing that she would pull herself together. I have been somewhat frustrated, because nothing I say seems to change her mind. Telling her it will all be ok is not such a great strategy.

Hopefully now, things are beginning to settle down. Nevertheless, I need to learn to be a lot more patient. Maybe I need to gain some skills in this area – finding the right soothing words and giving people encouragement are true talents.

Well, tonight I decided to join up the last piece of that jigsaw. I talked about my new relationship to my eldest kids.

Yes, it was somewhat shocking for them. There were some tears. I explained that C was more than just a friend, and that nothing really had changed. I told them that their mother would always be their mother and that no matter what happened, I would always be there for them. I explained that my relationship with their mother was better, now that we were apart. I explained that I might re-marry, but I was at pains to emphasise that I would not run away from them.

Although there were tears, there were many smiles as well. Even though they are still young, the questions they asked showed maturity beyond their years. I’m sure they will have more questions, so I will need to remain sensitive to them over the coming days.

I’m glad I talked to them. My relationship with them means more than anything in the world. I would like to think that despite all the turmoil and uncertainty of the past few years, that the difficulties we have had will not wear on them too much. Time will tell, but so far it’s been OK.

She also finds it difficult to cope, not that it’s too surprising in these circumstances. When something bad happens to me, I can easily distract myself, whether it be reading or writing or surfing the net or whatever. With her, it becomes a kind of obsession. The bad thoughts roll around in her mind until it is the only thing she can think about or talk about. I have told her that she needs to learn to let go sometimes, but it’s lost in the fog of worry.

I wish I could help her more in such situations. She has a long road to climb now. She will be incapacitated for weeks. The pain she is going through is not deserved, but that’s life I guess. We have to soldier on sometimes.

If you are reading, send her your best wishes.

Yes, I still have my dark moments, but they are few and far between. I think I can share everything with my partner, so there is less need to blog in silence.

So, I’m still around, but these days things aren’t quite so dark and frightening.

I once heard that if you cannot overcome something right now, you may be able to outlive it. Wise words.

It’s only recently that I have accepted that I have chronic depression. It’s not something that is one off. It has come to me frequently in the past and it will continue into my future.

But here’s the thing. I am determined to defeat it.

I understand that it is part of my life. I understand that I don’t have much control over it. I understand that it can be overwhelming. But I don’t think it likes a sustained fight.

I will seek out the positives. I will question the negatives. I will set myself actions, no matter how minor. I will keep myself focused on the recovery that will come. I will climb, and conquer, Mount Misery. If necessary, I will take medication, but not yet.

Aux armes, citoyens..

I’m feeling down. Very down. All I want to do is to go to bed and stay there.

There are plenty of reasons why I should feel this way. My finances are in a bad state. I am concerned about my job. I’m worried about my health. I worry for my children. I have neglected to do things that could prove costly later on. The future scares me.

But there are also things going on that should counteract this to some extent. My girlfriend has been fantastic. My mother has been very supportive. My ex is giving me plenty of space. I have interesting holidays coming up.  My kids are the joy of my life. It’s not all bad.

And yet, all I want to do is to crawl into bed and stay there.

Depression is an odd emotion, if emotion is even the right word. It’s a feeling of utter futility, lack of energy, hopelessness and lethargy. In my case it seems more physiological the psychological. It’s like a storm or tempest that blows up from regions unknown, unloads its moribund cargo, and moves on when it decides it’s ready. It has its own will. It’s an illness that no amount of prayer, supplication or analysis will control. It’s a tide. A weather front. A tempest.

I wish I could understand it better. I wish it could lift.  I really wish it would lift.

I have introduced her to some of my friends, but not my kids as yet. I’m not yet sure how I’m going to get over that hurdle! There was a big family occasion in my wife’s house today. I was there on my own, the dad to my kids. My wife and her family know that I am in a relationship, but it didn’t cause any issues today. It got me thinking though how things would go in the future when my girlfriend would be coming along with me to such meet-ups. Awkward initially I suppose. Such things are not meant to be easy. It’s an issue for another day.

Right now, we enjoy every minute of our time together no matter how brief and infrequent that time is. In her I have found the woman of my dreams.

I feel really angry inside. I feel wronged. I feel that there are so many ways I could be nasty to her, that all she has to say is the wrong thing at the wrong time and I will say something back to her that I will regret for a long time to come.

I realize that I badly need to control my emotions over the days and weeks to come. I recognize that it is such times as these in the course of a separation that will dictate whether the split will be amicable or infused with copious dollops of fury, bitterness and hatred.

I must try to see this from her viewpoint and to patch things up as much as possible, but it’s not going to be easy.

No, it is not going to be easy.