I hope I know what I am doing
I know that I have already gone past the point of no return. I will be moving out shortly, and with the move, things will change. This time I am no longer the injured party, the jilted lover. This time it is me making the decision to go. This time I am the bad guy.
It’s an awful lot to give up. The security of a home. Friends who can only relate to myself and my wife when we are a couple. Financial stability. Emotional stability. Holidays together. Shared moments of joy and pain. My childrens’ happiness.
And all this for a beautiful woman who wants to make me a part of her life.
What if it all goes wrong? What if I fall out of love and one day I wake up beside a woman I no longer care for? What if she tires of me and my copious failings? What if the journey proves to much for us both? Is this perhaps just some 40 year old guy’s great flight of fancy before he surrenders himself to the depredations of middle age?
How did it come to this? Was there really a chance that I could have set the clock back? Should I have? Were there more heart-felt questions that I could have asked myself before embarking down this thorny path? I seem to have just taken this course with relatively little thought as to the consequences that now await me.
She is beautiful. She is intelligent. She lives every day for me. She sees in me what I cannot see myself. I am a light shining in her life. I have never known such love. I am doing this so that we can be together, sharing our thoughts and dreams.
Maybe, some time in the future, I will look back on this time and laugh. Maybe I will cry and mourn my stupidity. One thing is sure though: I cannot turn back now.
Firstly, let me thank you for providing this blog. I think you have portrayed nicely what so many people consider immoral and socially destructive, but I appreciate every word.
I understand exactly where you come from and what you have been through. I too have been in a situation not totally dis-similar to yours very recently, only I am the female half of the web of complication. I am married and I fell in love with a married man with two young children. After we embarked upon an intensely emotional and physical relationship lasting 15 months his Wife found e-mails which exposed our liaisons and now, 3 months later, we no longer continue our affair. We are trying to be friends and colleagues and it’s the hardest thing imaginable. It’s the single most intense thing I’ve ever had to do – saying goodbye to my lover, a man I truly believed was my soulmate, and have yo work with him on a platonic level every single day.
I admire your bravery (which you now consider stupidity and I believe this is not the case) which has allowed you to follow your heart and be with the woman you crave so badly. I don’t know what would have happened had I taken that plunge and walked away from my marriage to set up home as I so wished to with my lover, but I know that he couldn’t have walked away from his daughters. Coming to terms with this is not easy and so I will eternally live in hope that life is kind enough to throw a chance to us again in the future. I will never stop loving him, that is a given, but I will miss him for as long as I live.
I wish you the very best for whatever makes you happy and makes you feel alive is what you must do. Keep up the blog – I admire you for it.
Take care…
Thank you for your message Soulgirl. I am glad that you have found this blog of inteest to you. I’ve just been trying to convey my honest, unvarnished thoughts about life and relationships since my marriage went downhill. I never realised that so many people had gone through similar situations. I very much appreciate your comments.