Breaking out

I have now completed two weeks in the new job. The reality is beginning to sink in, but I cannot say it has been easy.

I have had a lady friend for around 8 months. She was a regular companion – lifting up my spirits when I felt down, giving me hugs and kisses when I needed them, and overwhelming me by her gentleness, compassion, warmth and raw sexuality. But, even so, something did not seem quite right. Maybe it was because she was a bit older than me (mentally she had the openness and energy of a twenty-six year old), maybe it was because she perhaps wanted more from our relationship than I was prepared to give, maybe it was because I desire something else and maybe it was because of the recent changes in my life, but in only a few short days, something had changed within me.

I have asked for some space – a cooling off period. I told her yesterday that I needed a break, and graciously as ever, she has acceeded to my request. Right now, though, I feel desperately sad and lonely. It’s as if I have turned my back on absolutely everything that has had meaning for me in these past few weeks: my home, my friends, my kids and now, my lover.

The life I am going into seems to be a kind of time-based slavery. Can you get on this plane to Warsaw next Sunday? No problem. Can you take this call on your day off? No problem. Can you hold a meeting with us at 7am? No problem. Can you defer your holidays to a different time? I just feel – AGGGH! I don’t know what to feel!

Tonight, I just want to get into bed, wrap myself up in the covers and dive into a long, deep sleep.

~ by amaltheus on August 3, 2007.